Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.


Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine


Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”


Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single


Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.


Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump


I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.


[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue


“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn


[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*