Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
bugs when you lift up a rock
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same