@dksc4life

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

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@Maxine12333

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

@DrakeGatsby

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

@LeahsLounge

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

@NoticablyBacon

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

@GrowlyGrego

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

@RCKruseKontrol

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@T_Bonezzz

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

@BCMontgo

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*