@dksc4life: Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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@RapeyRaperton: When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear "tip to tip" and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
@WheelTod: I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party
@gobmentcheese: Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.