Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
You Might Also Like
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Best seat on the street 😍
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.