Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
twitter is a journey
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.