Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing