Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
You Might Also Like
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
is this how new cars are made??
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.