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Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
yall want some gasoline milk
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
They did not think through this water fountain
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment