When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar