Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.