Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??