boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
And bowling should be called pinball
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.