Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
You Might Also Like
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it