Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

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People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.


ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.


Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.


Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!


my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.


“Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” -every trip to the zoo, ever


wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-


Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.