@AlexvanBeek

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.

@dave_cactus

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.

@Ginlicker

Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!

@mom_tho

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

@Audenary

BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.

BOUNCER: Nope.

*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.

@mommajessiec

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

@AdmiralAkbrown

“Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” “Oh look, it’s sleeping!” -every trip to the zoo, ever

@iwearaonesie

wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-

@mack44_d

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.