Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
☠️☠️☠️
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!