Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You Might Also Like
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
the red hot silly peppers
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*