Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AmishPornStar1

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@molly7anne

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

@Ndeshi_M

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

@iAmDelFreaky

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

Wait

@SnizzleFrizzle

So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.