*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.
So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.