Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time


*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”


Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot


For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories


*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*


I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.


“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb


“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”



if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England


I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks