[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.