[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.