Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Bill is short for Billiam
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.