@pineapplepleas

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

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@VodkaThursday

What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.

@MarieLoerzel

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

@RecursiveTaco

Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@supermarkusa

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

@rickolantern

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

@Storminika

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

@MorticiaKate

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

@EJGomez

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf