@pineapplepleas

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@Xoolun

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

@iamspacegirl

*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality

*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion

@hansabumsadaisy

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

@KeetPotato

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

@KeetPotato

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”