Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.