“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.