[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

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[Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza


INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut


Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?


My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.


*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm


Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.


“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered


@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.


Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.


Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands