Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.