[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
dictator is short for richard potato
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Accurate