@ShutUpThatsWho

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

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@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@ark506

Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.

@heatherlou_

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

@impaulmccoy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

@themacmind

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.