Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands