Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.