@heidi420x

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

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@madeleinedoux

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

@shenanigansen

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@RacesTacoTrucks

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

@HenpeckedHal

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

@nathankmusic

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

@juanadog

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.