america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels
That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.
Me: One food please.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I have to give my cat a bath
we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds