@heidi420x

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

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@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

@seamussaid

I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels

@WayneL_Jr

That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.

@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@KalvinMacleod

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds