Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*