[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
*me flirting
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
are there any atheist mantises?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents