[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.