People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.