@Brentweets

Playing Guess Who these days is hard
“Is your person white?”
“Excuse me?”
“Is your person white?”
“I don’t see skin color I just see people”

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@summerbruise69

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@ADHDeanASL

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

@Douchekevin

Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.

Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.

@obijawn

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

@ArfMeasures

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

@flashember

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.