At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.