[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
incredible
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.