“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I am HOWLING at this
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all