I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
🤔😂😂
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Are we there yet?…
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.