@Bearslietoo

Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”

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@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@hayes_t_r

*puts on layers of running gear*

*makes a ponytail*

*laces up sneakers*

*drives to McDonalds*

@DrakeGatsby

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?