Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”
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*puts on layers of running gear*
*makes a ponytail*
*laces up sneakers*
*drives to McDonalds*
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: how was your day?
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?