going to the ER y’all need anything
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
They’re stuck in your pants?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”