*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA