[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low

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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.


So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?


“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”


I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding


I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.


Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.


A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”