I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.