Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*