[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
You Might Also Like
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*