You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?
Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?
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[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
What do we want?
A cure for short-term memory loss!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?