*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.