[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

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The term “Expecting a baby” implies uncertainty. Like we’re almost sure it’s a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows


Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun


My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.


I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination


My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.


I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.


if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo


My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime


6: Mom, I’m going to be a Navy pilot or a SEAL. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to work at Subway.

It’s all about the backup plan, people.


My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana