@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

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@BuckyIsotope

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

@Anais_Lea90

Someone just asked me if I was ‘happily’ married.

Single people are adorable.

@internetluke

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

@batkaren

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

@vikkaroni

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

@BoiSmurfie

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

@dubstep4dads

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread