*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
You Might Also Like
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I’d … I’d rather not.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”