I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Thrilling chase underway
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?