[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.