playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.