[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
What kind of a cult is this?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
much to think about
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
i actually laughed 😩
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.