[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
You Might Also Like
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“I’m helping” 😅
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?