YALL FEMALES ARE THE DEVIL
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
You Might Also Like
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Voldemort: *pointing wand at Harry* i hope you write to me every day from hell
Harry Potter: i would but *cocks pistol* no post on sundays
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”
TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.