[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Said the murderer.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
i choose….tongue
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby