It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.