[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit