@ibid78

[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]

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@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

@QwertyJones3

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

@Dschnoeb

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.

@SeanEmeny

I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me

@SleazySli

i look like i’m trying to get water out of my ears when i dance

@sofarrsogud

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@Darlainky

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.