[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]

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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”


“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors


Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.


I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me


i look like i’m trying to get water out of my ears when i dance


Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.


If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.

*including zombie apocalypse


There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.