Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Tuesday

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

For anyone who needs this today

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce